[EdTalks] Parental Support in Middle School: A Partnership Guide

How can you best support your child through the major changes of middle school? The transition brings new schedules, burgeoning independence, and complex social dynamics. For families, providing the right kind of parental support for middle schoolers is key, but it often means stepping back and allowing them to fail. In this episode, we talk with two middle school experts who share crucial strategies for guiding students through these pivotal years with confidence, from fostering open communication to encouraging responsibility and navigating the changing social scene.

Join us as we dive deep into the middle school experience with Adrian Mayes, Principal of Hughes Academy, and Lauren Tenholder, a seasoned School Counselor. They provide invaluable insights on how to handle the crucial middle school transition, emphasizing the importance of establishing routines while also accepting that students will make mistakes. A major focus is on encouraging independence in students by letting them manage their own schedules, pack their own lunches, and learn from natural consequences—like a forgotten assignment or a messy locker. We also explore practical tips for communicating with middle schoolers, moving beyond one-word answers by using open-ended questions to foster genuine connection. Furthermore, the conversation addresses the often-difficult topic of navigating middle school friendships, explaining why social circles shift and how parents can help their children develop the skills to make new friends. Ultimately, this episode is a guide to building a strong parent-school partnership, empowering you to work as a team with educators to ensure your child thrives academically, socially, and emotionally.

Episode Resources:

• Greenville County Schools Parents' Page

• Learn more about Greenville First Steps

• Learn more about Public Education Partners

Introduction

Mary Leslie Anderson: Middle school brings big changes, new schedules, growing independence, and the ups and downs of adolescence. It can be a time of both excitement and uncertainty, and families play a crucial role in helping students navigate it all.

Erin Rigot: We are Mary Leslie Anderson and Erin Rigot with Rooted Consulting, and this is Simple Civics Ed Talks. In this episode, we'll look at how parents and caregivers can support their middle schoolers by fostering open communication, encouraging responsibility, and staying engaged in the school community. Our conversation with Principal Adrian Mayes and School Counselor Lauren Tenholder from Hughes Academy will highlight strategies for guiding students through these pivotal years with confidence. Thank you all so much for being here with us today. We are excited because you are crazy people like us and you love the middle school level. We're so excited for you to be with us today. Will you go ahead and introduce yourselves and tell us how you got to middle school?

Meet the Experts: A Principal and Counselor's Journey to Middle School

Adrian Mayes: My name is Adrian Mayes. I am the principal at Hughes Academy. I got into education kind of funny, I wanted to be an engineer. Then I realized math was not my thing. I found my way into education by way of Call Me Mister. I taught elementary for a few years, and then I taught middle school for a few years and then made my way on to Hughes Academy.

Initially, I never wanted to teach middle school. The attitude... I didn't know if I was ready for that. It has been a blessing, truly a blessing. And I'm grateful to be here with you all today and to talk about ways that we can support our middle school students and our families.

Lauren Tenholder: And I'm Lauren Tenholder. I am the school counselor at Hughes. I'm the department chair and also over sixth grade. I've always wanted to be a school counselor. When I was in high school, I remember meeting with my school counselor. And I just said, how do I get there? She just said, you can go the psychology route or education route, pick one of those.

So I went to school. I'm originally from Connecticut. I went to college in Florida because I didn't want to be in the snow anymore. I went to school there. I majored in English and minored in education. I worked retail for a while, and then I worked for Kelly Services. Then I eventually realized it was time to go be a school counselor. So I went to University of North Florida and got my degree there.

Duval County in Jacksonville had a shortage of school counselors, so they were pulling counselors from our program. I got hired early. I had no idea what I was doing, but it was really great. I said, I'll take whatever. I ended up being at the middle school level, and I just loved it. I never thought I'd be in middle school because they just can't handle themselves. I just loved it. I've always been in middle school. This is my 13th year as a school counselor and my 10th year at Hughes.

Mary Leslie Anderson: Why don't you guys start by telling us what parents can do at the middle level? I think this is a challenging time for parents, but what they can do at the middle level to support our students.

Encouraging Independence and Establishing Routines

Adrian Mayes: I think one of the biggest things for our parents... we go to all the elementary schools that feed into our school and we have constant conversations with our students about what middle school is like. They're always terrified because it's a new challenge. There are so many classes they're going to have to travel to. Am I going to get lost? What does that look like?

I think encouraging independence. We talk about that a lot with our parents, just constant routines. What does your morning look like when you wake up in the morning? Are you waking your student up or are they setting an alarm? What does that look like? Do they have a list of things that they can do or look at to remember? I need to get up and I need to take a shower or I need to brush my teeth. I need to get out my clothes or whatever that looks like in various homes. Just, again, encouraging that independence, making them make their own lunch. Trying to pull back there. And that can be hard as a parent. My son's two, so I haven't tread those waters yet. But that's some things that we teach our kids when they are coming to our school.

Lauren Tenholder: And also expect, while helping them establish a routine, expect them to completely mess it up. We're going to have late mornings and we're not going to get up to our alarm. Definitely helping them establish those routines and then hands off. I know it's so hard to do that, but they're at an age where they have to really start being able to do things for themselves, because if parents do it for them all the time, then they're not going to know what to do when they go to college or get a real job. It's just very important they have those routines and let them mess up and learn from it.

Adrian Mayes: Because it's going to happen a lot in middle school. They're going to mess up when it comes to academics, when it comes to social life. There are going to be a lot of things that the kids struggle with. So why not put them in a position at home where they are loved and they are taken care of. Let's work through this and let's teach some strategies of, yeah, you messed up. And now what? Yeah, this is hard. But now what?

Beyond "Fine": Tactics for Communicating with Your Middle Schooler

Lauren Tenholder: And even with after school routines, it's super important to just when they get home. It's really hard to learn how to ask open ended questions to middle schoolers, because if you just say, how's your day? They're just going to go, fine, or eh, or they're not going to give you anything. So asking questions, that's not a yes or no answer. Once you get into a habit of doing that, you can even just Google open-ended questions you can ask middle schoolers after school, and that will help you.

Have them say more about your day. What was your favorite part of your day? Tell me about your social studies class today. And then that way you can get a little bit of a longer answer, and then you can have more of a conversation at home. And that's also important, too, to connect with your kid.

Erin Rigot: I love that y'all hit on that because we always have talked about in the past with our families, we are meant to be in that parental role for elementary. They can't really advocate for themselves yet at the elementary level. But at the middle level, that's the safe spot. That's the landing pad years to let them fail and let them feel what a bad grade feels like, what forgetting their ID feels like, not charging their Chromebook, making a bad grade or not studying.

This is the really crucial three years to let them fail and let us be a partnership with families and help them learn those skills. It's all about skill building at these three years. So will you touch on that as a sixth grade counselor? What do you notice when they're coming from fifth grade to sixth grade? It's such a big transition for not only the student, but the families. What specifically do you think for sixth graders is important for families to know?

Navigating the 6th Grade Transition: It's Okay to Let Them Fail

Lauren Tenholder: I think as we were talking about routines, that's important, but giving them the message that when they go to middle school, you're going to be fine. Your kids feed off of your energy. So if you are nervous, they're going to be nervous. I just always say, keep your cool until they go to school. And then once they get there, they'll be fine.

A lot of times we're seeing more of we're worried because we've been in the same school and we know the same faces and the teachers and we know our kids so well at Hughes, but you got to get them to Hughes for us to get to learn them. And then let those sixth graders definitely come and meet us as adults without their parents. It's super important, that skill to have, to know how to talk to adults.

Lauren Tenholder: Without your parents around. I think visiting at lunch definitely helps. We visit our feeder elementaries and we go meet them. So when they come over for our Hughes experience, or if they come over for any of our afterschool activities, they come over and they recognize us. It's so cool for them to see their faces light up and go, oh, I recognize you. And the parents ask, how do you know them already? It's because we've been at their elementary schools.

But we also do a lot of things for parents, too. The big thing that we do at the beginning of the year is Ready to Roar, where we talk to the parents and basically tell them, it's OK, cut the cord. You can let your kids go walk their schedules without you and come and listen to us. We give them the same speech that we're talking about today, where it's just let them do things by themselves and let them mess up. And it's OK.

Adrian Mayes: Middle school is a tough time, but we are going to make it because we provide so many supports. We have an open door policy for our families. If you want to come in, you want to see what's going on. We provide lots of opportunities for our families to be involved. Let's do it.

Mary Leslie Anderson: You said the word terrified. I think that I'm just realizing that that's happening. That's going to happen every transition. We're terrified to go to elementary school. Then we're terrified to go to middle school. And then we're terrified to go to high school. How do we change that narrative so that it's not so scary for parents because the kids aren't scared in general? How do we change that narrative?

Changing the Narrative: Overcoming Middle School Fears and Stereotypes

Adrian Mayes: Oftentimes the adults, we act on what happened to us and our experiences. Just because we were not good at math doesn't mean our kids are not going to be good at math. Just because we had a bad social studies experience doesn't mean our child is going to have a bad social studies experience. We have to use what we know, and then find support within the school to let our kids know, you may struggle, but it's going to be fine. We're going to support you. We're going to make things happen.

It helps when you have great people in the building who really love kids, who care for kids, who don't mind picking up the phone and talking to parents. I'm not a big email person. I love to hear your voice and I want you to hear my voice as well. It cuts down on any misconceptions. I think the more that we continue to provide a space where parents feel comfortable themselves coming into the building and experiencing what school is like, their kids, as you said a second ago, what the parents give off, the kids are going to feel that. That's how they're going to behave. If we can provide a space for parents to feel more comfortable with what's going on, then the kids potentially will feel more comfortable. Then we also do transitions from elementary to middle and from middle to high that I think may break the ice.

Building a Consistent Support System: The Role of Looping Counselors

Lauren Tenholder: I will say from the school counselor point of view, I think parents feel relieved that when their kids get to Hughes that we stay with them the whole time they're at Hughes. This is my fourth group that I'll have rotated with through sixth, seventh and eighth grade. Now that I've done it for so many years, there's trends with socializing and making friends and we know when friend groups are going to fall apart or the struggles that we have with high school credit courses in eighth grade.

The parents find a lot of relief through that, knowing that I'm going to be with not just their child, but also with them through the entire middle school experience. It's their one point of contact as an adult. My counseling department works really, really well with our elementary feeder counselors and also with our high school feeder counselors. I feel that relationship is so important.

Lauren Tenholder: Because even seeing the elementary kids coming to sixth grade this year, they knew that I knew their school counselor and I was friends with them because, again, we would go visit and they would see us talking or they would come over for a tour. Then we would be socializing and just catching up on just anything that's going on throughout the school day. I think that eases the children's minds knowing, OK, they knew my school counselor. I was close with them. And even with the high school, the same thing. We talk with the high school counselors and they know us. I think at least from Hughes, the conversations that we have with both levels is super important and that relationship is really great. And I think that's what's best for the kids.

Mary Leslie Anderson: I feel what you're describing is that ideal or notion of the school being the anchor of the community. The way you're saying it is I'm picturing this, the school building or the schoolhouse sitting in the middle of the community with all the people around it supporting the school, which is, I think, something that Erin and I really love the idea of is the school being the anchor of communities in order to continue to grow communities.

Erin Rigot: I think they can also hear in what you're saying the intention and purpose of the setup of your building. You just talked about how the counselors don't just get given a random grade level every year. Your looping is intentional. We do that as well. And it's so powerful for the students to have the same counselor for all three years because as y'all know, those three years are so different. So, so different. And it's part of why we love middle school because they're all so different.

But we don't just do that. We do every scheduled decision intentionally. We put kids in teams so that they are not overwhelmed by having to travel the whole building like they do in high school. All of our schools can say that with intention and purpose, they think out what is best for that student at that level. There's a reason elementary kids don't have seven teachers, but that they do at the middle school level. But at the middle school level, they're not all over the place like the high school. I think that's really powerful in what you're saying, the intention you have with your elementary schools and also within your own building. In addition to all of that intention and purpose you have in your own building, is there any other parts of the middle school experience that families, the ideas you have for families and how to support their students?

Friendship in Flux: Navigating Changing Social Circles

Lauren Tenholder: I would say with friend groups, we'll be friends in elementary school. A lot of times those friend groups are not friends by the end of eighth grade. We're not trying to scare anybody. But the students just grow so much in middle school where their interests change. When their interests are changing, they don't have as much in common with their elementary school friends as they do then in middle school.

When parents are worried, oh, my child doesn't know anybody in their classes or they don't have any friends on their team, that's OK, because there's a point in everyone's life we have to learn how to make friends. COVID didn't do the students any favors because they were learning how to connect through technology because they couldn't see each other. Well, now we don't know how to talk to each other face to face.

When it comes to making friends, we shouldn't be doing that through our Chromebooks, through cell phones, Apple Watches, all of the things. We need to actually be having conversations face to face. Because if we don't learn it in middle school, when we get to high school... I had kids very worried last year going, I'm not going to have any friends in my classes. And I said, we have to learn that at one point by making new friends. If we don't learn in high school, we have to learn in college. If we don't learn in college, then how are we going to have a career and go and work somewhere where we don't know anybody and we don't know how to make friends?

Mary Leslie Anderson: And those successful relationships are huge in developing a person in general into a productive person.

Lauren Tenholder: Yes. Just enforcing it's OK that we don't have friends in our classes, make new friends.

Mary Leslie Anderson: If there was one thing that you could share with the public about public school, middle school, what would that be?

A Final Word: The Importance of a Strong Parent-School Partnership

Adrian Mayes: I think for me, I would say that welcome to life. Public school is not a scary place. It is what you make it. I think that there are a lot of narratives surrounding education, but specifically public education, that unless you are actually boots on the ground, unless you are actually in the schools, you really don't know. We got to stop the talking points, the ads on social media, what comes from, again, people who have no clue about what they're talking about.

There are really good people that work in our schools who have huge hearts for our kids and for each other and for the communities in which they serve. We have to continue to share and tell our stories of the good things that are going on and of the awesome and beautiful people that we are helping to mold and shape to then run these communities in our society. We just have to find a way to control the narrative of the work that we do every day versus the work that people don't do but have so much to say.

Lauren Tenholder: It also takes a village to raise our kids. Mr. Mayes has a son and I have two boys and they're in elementary school. I'm very well aware of what I'm sending to school with their behaviors. But I just always trust their teachers because I know that while they have them at school, I have them at home and we have to work together as a team. It's really, really important to have that team mindset that we have to trust the schools, that we can work together and that this will help our children just become amazing citizens and productive members of society.

I just think that it is really important that you work together, because if we do have a negative mindset about school and middle schoolers are very smart and they can pick up on someone's vibe very quickly. So if my parents have a negative mindset about school, so will I. It's just very important that if you feel that way, that you need to have that conversation with the school. We're a team. We're here to help you. And also to make sure that your child is getting the best education that they can get.

Erin Rigot: I love that you said that, because I think at the middle level, we get stereotyped a lot. I know my son loves to watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid. They think that's what they're walking into, this kind of overdramatic bullies, peer pressure, all the things. Of course, those things can exist, but it's really dramatic in the media that they see. To help parents understand that if you're pulling your worst memories from your middle school years, and then they're watching these kinds of things when really neither of those things are true now, they really aren't.

Our students, I think, would say, and I know y'all can attest to this, that they've had very positive experiences, and they would describe middle school with very positive words. We encourage those of you listening to ask your middle school students some words to describe their school experience because we can almost guarantee they're positive. Thank you all so much for being with us today. We're so glad you're here and keep on keeping on in the middle level.

Mary Leslie Anderson: Thank you for joining us for today's conversation.

Erin Rigot: We're Mary Leslie Anderson and Erin Rigot with Rooted Consulting.

Mary Leslie Anderson: Until next time, keep nurturing school culture.

Erin Rigot: And keep growing strong roots in your community.